Laser Safety Addendum: The Fourth Rule Nobody Wrote Down

Readers of our earlier guide will remember the three golden rules of laser safety. They were: do not point it at eyes, do not point it at mirrors, and do not point it at anything you would be sorry to see leave. Those rules stand. This addendum exists because the legal department, a cat called Barrister Biscuit, insisted we record a fourth.

The fourth rule

Always end the game on a catch. This is the rule that was in the drawer, and it is the most important one, because we have seen what happens without it.

A cat that chases a dot for twenty minutes and is then simply denied a conclusion goes through something our researchers call the Long Stare. The Long Stare lasts anywhere from ninety seconds to an entire afternoon, and it is directed at you. You will feel it. You will feel it while you are making dinner.

How to provide a catch

We recommend a three step conclusion:

• Slow the dot down until it is moving at roughly the speed of a lazy thought.
• Guide the dot to rest on, or just beside, a real object, such as a treat, a toy mouse, or a sock of no sentimental value.
• Switch the pointer off while the cat is looking at the object. Do not explain. The object is now the prize, and your role as the dot is complete.

Common mistakes

Many owners make the mistake of leaving the dot on the carpet and walking away. The cat will then spend the evening patting a patch of carpet and asking itself difficult questions. A carpet has no way of answering, and neither do you.

Others try to end the game by pointing the beam up the wall. Please do not do this. The dot then lives on the ceiling, and a cat who knows that the dot lives on the ceiling will stand beneath that spot for the rest of its natural life. We have clients who have not made eye contact with a living room in years.

A word from our legal cat

Barrister Biscuit asks us to remind readers that this guide is satirical, that no pointer is a toy for unsupervised use, and that he did not sign anything. He also asks us to confirm that the fourth rule is not legally binding, but is, in his words, “the only one that matters, and I am a cat who has read all of them.”

Stay safe, keep it low, and always, always let them win.