A Case Study in Precision: The Great Skirting Board Incident

In the interest of transparency, Red Dot Supply Company has prepared the following case study of what our internal records call the Great Skirting Board Incident. Names have been changed. The skirting board has not.

Background

On a Thursday afternoon in late summer, a customer we will call Ms Pemberton sat down with her cat, a young tabby called Marmite, and a Precision Beam, which she had purchased the previous week. She turned on the beam at 2:14 PM and directed it across the lounge floor.

Marmite engaged immediately. For the first twelve minutes, the exercise went as intended. The dot travelled. The cat followed. The sofa was brushed. A cushion was evicted. The household, in the words of Ms Pemberton, “felt like a documentary”.

The incident

At 2:26 PM, the dot reached the skirting board and went under it.

This is not physically possible. The beam does not go under. It stops. Our engineers have confirmed that the beam stopped. Marmite, however, believed that the dot had entered the skirting board, and she lay down beside the gap with her chin on the floor.

The vigil

The vigil lasted four hours and eleven minutes. Ms Pemberton tried to call Marmite for dinner. Marmite did not move. Ms Pemberton rattled the treat box. Marmite did not move. Ms Pemberton tried to coax her with the beam, and Marmite looked at the beam as though it were a person who had told a lie.

Our intervention

We sent Pinpoint, our Head of Quality Assurance, with a brief to resolve the dot. He arrived at 6:30 PM, lay down beside Marmite, and joined the vigil. It was the first time in company history that our representative had completed a job.

Findings

Our report concluded that:

• The dot had not entered the skirting board.
• The dot had not left the skirting board.
• The dot had, in the cat’s mind, taken up residence.

Marmite continues to check the skirting board every evening. We have offered the Pemberton family a lifetime supply of dots as compensation. They have asked instead for a cat who knows when to stop.

Lessons learned

Always end the game on a catch, as per our fourth rule. Also, do not play near a skirting board with a gap, a crack, or a plausible backstory.